Dreams while awake are just abject fantasies – concoctions of a conscious mind. But still – a reflection of desires and understanding of one owns role in the universe. Given my autistic brain – mine might be a *smidge* different than yours – or not – don’t know – don’t rightly care – MY brain has no difference (or indifference if proper language is to be used appropriately).
I squeezed a spider between my fingers about 2 hours ago. I have now obsessed for 1 hour and 52 minutes the significance of that. I have seen others both freak out as well as going through ritualistic nuances to address a situation (usually involving grabbing toilet paper or a towel before capturing the spider and then “releasing” it unto the bowels of a toilet flush) – but not I. I saw it – thought I didn’t wish it there – and pinched it mightily between two fingers until it gushed forth a compelling release of “Schmooshed”. Now my after thought is not if that was the right response, but whether that was “Normal”. And so I write.
In the last 18 months I had been caught unaware. I have had three submissives in my care not only profess undying love for me but also suggest the ludicrous notion of matrimony. This very second I worry of the thought of “Sounding the braggart” – a typical thought as it resonates more than any – by admitting my facts. I have been told this of me numerous times in my life. I say this in response. I would never consider matrimony to myself – I am a fucking mess (in my mind) – additionally – I would object outright as I have clearly called out – In all three scenarios – what was (and was not) my intentions. I would clearly testify that all three women were highly intelligent and should have, beyond any reasonable doubt, deduced that my own personal desires and intentions were NO WHERE close to such a collusion as marriage. And yet – it happened. As surely as I squeezed a spider between my fingers. As direct as that – and without hesitation.
I often feel terribly “unique” in this universe. My first inclination was to write “alone” but that denotes “loneliness” – and I really don’t feel that. I like who I am alone – with me and my thoughts. I feel more like I have a caliper in a measure foreign to the rest of the world. (Like asking your typical American to use kilometers over miles as a measure of long distance).
I broke a personal rule a month and a few weeks ago – and it has changed my life for the better, even if the catalyst for that decision didn’t come to fruition. A fair bit of this has to do with autism. I am quite literal. It is the reason for all of the proposals I believe. You see – I can stand back and watch the interactions between two humans and tell you with great probability – the outcome of their engagement. I cannot however stand in front of someone who uses every muster of their own experiences and sensuality and sexuality to hint advances on me and myself have any clue. I have to be told. I have to hear “I like you , I want to do <X> with you”. Then it becomes real. (Silly shit huh?). I think it certainly has made me a better dom for having this …well whatever you call it. There is less empathy and more nuanced control, there is more understanding the subs needs than listening to usual cues as to limits. I am good at getting someone to where they want to go being devoid of the usual life-trained “empathy” – yet it adds more to the other side as well. I listen better – or maybe its just perceived as such as I am collecting every nuance of who you are and your world and all the influences to each. I see patterns better – and can fulfill better because of that gift.
Oh yes – my broken rule. I work in mainly corporate worlds. I am sought for my ability to get seemingly impossible shit “fixed” (my autistic brain) than I am for my social skills. I learn the rules, then find all the ways to be successful despite the rules. Lets say that most of the contracts that come my way have to deal with security. (Yes I am thinking – that is a good way to put it, “Security”). This particular contract also had to deal with a lot of different “personalities”, which required giving them the adequate amount of attention to their perceived needs while in the background working on the root cause of the real problems. I often reject such contracts when too many people are involved – I accepted this one based upon a feeling to challenge myself. There were unfortunately too many of these “personality” distractions – and I found my time investment to be quite insane despite the lucrative contract. It was becoming far less lucrative with each passing investment of time to juggle all the….personalities. It was a chance encounter in our dining services. A too large auditorium of too much activity (something that is difficult for me given my non-stop and unstoppable absorption of minute details). I learned the patterns of the place and realized that going in just before they opened eliminated the crazed flooding of the masses into my brain. Before I had learned that though – I was in there – on a Thursday- and it was crowded. Through my usual absorption of patterns I can deduce many things. My eidetic memory is a curse when this happens. 60% 90% 30%. That was how filled the large salad containers were in their respective cubby space, being the first one. The corn was below 30% of what appeared to be normal capacity at the salad bar and the Ranch Dressing bottle (the first one, not the second) looked at about 15%. The second was about 75% full. I could give you a few thousand more details on this – but I hope you get the point. I am really damn good at scanning rooms and finding threats and anything that is “outside of normal operating parameters” (yes including the salad bowls, corn, and Ranch dressing). Of this day I had a brief encounter that would start a chain of events that led to my rule breaking. When I scan a room my brain labels everything I see. Typically with 3 attributes. When looking at people – a brief half second – I could label Who they Are, What is their current situation, and X criteria of my own intent. This last is a judgement call in my mind based upon the task at hand. If looking for a potential threat, then it could be “Threat” or “Safe”. My scanning today was “Executive, Stressed, Open Attribute (Getting lunch as quickly as possible as he is likely late for a meeting”). Next scan “Junior worker, Feeling underappreciated, killing time because he doesn’t want to get back to work”. And so on. There was a coordinator in the dining area, my scan was “Coordinator/supervision, Working in the background and acting outside of herself, Gorgeous”. I think it took two more scans before I realized my thought and then I revisited the person I had such a scan about. She was scanning (as I was), she was accessing with immediate deduction and intent (as I was), she was instinctive in what she did (as I was) – and yes – she was gorgeous (I had realized of my assessment). Here is exactly what went into this last assessment. I saw so many similarities into what she did that matched what I did. She had to dress in uniform, but it was still flattering to her face and figure, how she took control of the nuances of all of the logistics – never letting a single nuance slip her perception, and how she had to deal with the “personalities” that passed ever so quickly through that expansive room. Plus – an amazing energy to her that even I could not explain – even though I knew I was seeing it behind a façade, an act she did for her job (also – just like me). I moved to a point of immediate availability – and I got a smile. One that started as the fake one she had trained herself, but with a pause- and then something more genuine. Something actually “her”. I enjoyed that moment – and gave it very very little importance at the time. I like random encounters where I can feel I connected beyond superficiality of the constructs of this and my world.
The next three weeks I gave extra focus to scanning her. I found direct cause and effect to her actions against the domain she owned. In fact- 3 times I found a way to discretely re-engineer her environment just so I could see the reaction (even if one time resulted in me paying $11.70 for a salad consisting of approximately 23 oz of ranch dressing). I was mesmerized with the consistency and the patterns. I really wanted to know what was behind that – to see if there was another, like “me”.
I struck up a conversation one day when the timing was good. I am cognoscente (and fearful) of taking anyone away from their focus – and their work – plus the consequences if I distracted someone. In my head it is 3 minutes (180 seconds) and I am very good at counting while thinking and talking. When that timer hits I know it is my time to walk away. It was 181 seconds with her, but enjoyable. I learned 16 facts about her in that time. One fact every 11 seconds.
Here was a big realization I had from that one single 181 seconds. I reviewed my week before bed (a usual practice for me) and I had an epiphany. That entire week, and including the previous – my only moment of true enjoyment was that 181 second interaction. How odd I thought – and I slept. Something magical occurs in my brain when I sleep. I often solve the toughest puzzles when that occurs – and with the final thoughts of that 181 seconds lingering in my brain – I woke up with an answer. That next day was spent taking the gift sleep gave me and I wound up documenting the “Final Answer” to all those months of work. I had “solved” my task – and I felt inspired by just 181 seconds. I delivered the answer to my stakeholders at end of day along with my expression of “Ok guys – you have what you needed from me – I can’t imagine you’ll need me much longer so shall we call this two weeks?”. They negotiated three to make certain all was solved and sustainable in my solution, and I marched my ass directly to her – in her work environment – just to break a rule I had followed for decades. I walked up and told her the best experience of my last two weeks was the casual talk we had the day before and I just gave my notice. I gave her my contact information and she gave me hers. In decades of work I have never broken that cardinal rule – I had never touched step beyond business to ever conduct anything “personal”. I am telling you, for my brain and who I am, this was like shitting on the bosses desk while they sat and watched in horror. And it felt good.
When we finally communicated – it was over text. She has phone anxiety – another clue to the work façade I deduced. 4 hours and 20 minutes of non-stop, often intense texting. Thousands of beautiful words – often direct. Very appreciated. From cordial greetings to welcome mutual bluntness. The literal exchange of admiration and attractions. Then that other feeling I had of her – confirmed. She herself a self professed Dom. I know subs become doms when they evolve, and doms become subs. 3 hours 18 minutes in she was calling me “Daddy” and we had set up a few dates. A co-play date for our kiddos, and a playdate between us. (And a perhaps on binge watching “Orange is the new Black” while I mix drinks).
It was a wonderful experience – but two things failed to launch since that time. One – she failed to show – twice. Anxiety? Circumstance? not fully sure. Two – I made myself available to her daily – a sign of a sub – and it may have confused her. My Autism and being literal made myself to work to be available to her – without recognizing that her experiences would translate naturally to thinking of me a submissive in tendency and tenacity. The end of the “Perception”.
I doubt I shall ever hear from her again, but this is what I take from the experience.
- I need to get out of my current business world and do what I love (More on what I have been up to coming very soon – promise)
- One moment – even a smile – can change your world. I can still be surprised – even with myself – and that is LIVING.
- Breaking the rules feels GREAT! and leads to wonderful experiences – even if new and scary. ONWARD!