I admit to my successes being built upon some total failings. I am in Seattle, the place where Amazon stresses “Fail Big, Fail Fast” to their employees. I have also been (at times) listed a bit of a braggart – as I write often of my successes – but just as important (if not more) – have been my failings. This post is to list those – even if painful to write.
As someone in the dynamics for over 30 years – my strongest learnings have been not from the successes, but from the failings. I have been blessed with wonderful experiences, less bad experiences than most, and a bevy of many wonderful mentors that have helped me avoid landmines – and yet – will freely admit – I have failed on numerous occasions.
Lets talk about what the failure of a dom means for a minute. This is TOTAL destruction. If a dom doesn’t take on the weight of the world upon accepting a sub – their growth, their success, their pleasure – then (sorry to word it so bluntly) but FUCK YOU. You don’t know what a Dom is to begin with. I served early in my life first as a dedicated Sub. I EVOLVED to a dom – not to become selfish – but as I realized I can SERVE BETTER to pay forward what was successfully given unto me. Despite being so lucky as to have felt to have won the lottery many times over – I still failed a few subs. This post is to give those lessons and pay forward and help prevent other Doms from failing that sacred responsibility to their own subs.
- Never let them see “Behind the curtain” – (Yes a Wizard of Oz reference). I had this happen not one, but 3 times! Where I should have learned after the first. This is my BIGGEST failure to fulfill a sub (or subs in this case). I let my subs see my personal world – my challenges – to learn my stresses – and to even help soothe me during such times. WRONG. Their needs were selfishly taken and thrown away by me when I allowed such things. Situational circumstances aside – I have (actually only in this last challenging year!) fully recognized this. Your job as Dom is to create a reality beyond reality – to create the space of abstraction from the complexities of the REAL world to the simplification of the DOM/SUB world. NEVER forget that. This gets way more complicated in a dedicated 24/7 D/S relationship. More posts will come on this.
- Repetition or Laziness – Regardless of circumstances – this is true in almost any relationship. Complacency. Letting the status quo take over. Assuming that the “Same” delivered again will sustain while you fight something else in life. This is the Kiss of Death to any relationship – even beyond these dynamics. Change, Challenge, and forward progress (even if just a baby step change) is ALWAYS needed.
- Over Generalization. I have posted and written often that every Sub is unique – and that taking care to customize instruction and paths for each is critical. This is what I am referring to. It is human learned behavior to assume that one similar situation can be solved with what we have successfully done in the past with others. It is FAILURE when it comes to being a good dom. From the simplest quotient of a new sub looking like, acting like, and responding like a successful relationship you have had before – you must rise above that and re-evaluate and treat as a separate entity. I fell into this trap once – and hurt a sub in my care over it.
- Arrogance – Thinking you are Lord and can say the sky is red and it be so. Alteration of reality to your own is an EARNED endeavor. To bend will one must first and foremost be worthy of such – and that is only from the quotient that what you give your sub is SO SO SO much worth more than them giving up perception to make it worthwhile. Assuming you are ‘The Shit” without earning it – and you will not only damage your sub but earn the “Being Shit” title a hundred fold over for doing so. Perception of dominance is one thing, thinking you own it by birthright another. Earn the former – never ever dare think the latter.
- If you don’t take ownership of your subs goals – and endeavor to help them grow and achieve them – then I pose a question to you. What value are you in their world? Seriously – drink this fucking in – why are you the Dom if not for purely selfish (and temporary) station in their world?
- It comes down to this simple fact. The Dom does not exist in the beginning without free will being given up in servitude. The Dom is not sustained unless power exchange and balance is achieved. The Dom is not sustained in value to a sub unless cultivated, nurtured and ever-changing to push boundaries, grow the sub, and a quotient of love/return is perpetual. A good dom is a special creature. You give more of yourself behind the facade of dominance – but are vulnerable to self criticism, honest with your limitations, arrogant and bold in your actions, and willing to put it all on the line to earn your subs devotion. A good Dom is the ultimate servant – and the reward is that Subs happiness and growth. (even if growth means that sub evolving and moving beyond the Dom) – which is another sacrifice that is the gift the DOM should anticipate giving as well as freely facilitate – even when it hurts more than peeling one’s own skin with a cheese grater (another story for another time 🙂 )
I hope for feedback, questions, comments…..