It was just this last Saturday. I had spent the day *paralyzed* in inaction for 21 hours. It has been 22 years since I have been in this position. A combination of self-abuse over the week before (lack of working out, bad habits, lack of remembering to eat, etc. multiplied by the depth of details I have exposed myself to and compounded with some personal tragedies in my life). Ahh the latter of such being the “unqualifiable multiplier”. The unknown that I cannot predict the impact of which. Emotional impact still rides my blind-side better than a ninja with a plan and a day to prep the territory before the encounter. I dance again with the universe in such moments.
Of tonight – a personal commitment to finally finally finally get a blog post out after WAY too long and after a promise to you to be doing so much more often. No, it wont be sensual or sexual – you know the thing that generates repeat traffic. The thing that I usually feel is my “Life Blood” to expression. Sorry – I don’t have it in me. The nuances of a living struggle mixed with all of the business logistics and, quite frankly, *TOO MUCH* success from the previous weeks (Months now?) to feel anything other than *Daunting*.
Another part is the gentle understanding that what “I WANT”, Ie a specific person, cannot be in my current iteration of life. That knowledge and experience that the timing and my personal situation may prevent something amazing from occurring, mixed with – the window may have already been lost. Momentum ground to a halt from lack of communication or forward progress or lack of being able to change my current situation. (Many of which beyond my control, but fuck the world for not letting me gain control of such). Confession time? – My most perverted fantasy is that of living a “Vanilla Life”. I humor at this thought. So so many (trust me I have been council for such) dream of taking their Vanilla Lives and transforming into decadence to varying degrees. My haunted dark fantasy? Picket fence, 2.5 kids, dog and a cat, cuddling. Binge watching Netflix. Lol. No worries… my life experience shall always get in the way. I guarantee. It will not exist any other way. Such a dream will never come to reality, grass is always greener (dot dot dot). I am closer to single handedly solving peace in the Middle East than I am to making this a reality. But still the thought at times can make me hard enough to be able to cut diamonds lol.
So where am I at now? We did the Fetish Fashion Show. Oh, it was a total fucking success. Feedback was that the venue hit maximum occupancy (for the first time ever). I know I know, I still have to blog and post the pics (Oh god there are SO many! and all amazing). So now? I have signed off on 11 more “events” over the next 5.5 months. Have onboarded a half dozen new partners. In the process of launching 7! new businesses, and still – NOT fulfilled. Was this NOT the dream? Wasn’t my brain *wanting* such a challenge? Every waking second is spent on calls, email, texts, and the basics (like social media, blogging, communications) – Y’know – MY CORE, falling behind. And the worst part? Still not enough to cover my life expenses yet so I can NOT escape having a daily Muggle Job (Which was lost two weeks ago btw, another source of mental and physical stress). I did what I often do – I solved the problem too soon on the project and didn’t “milk the teat” over time. I am the destruction to my own success. Yin and Yang comes to visual mind.
I am seeking Investors. I met with a few (well 7), all want overall % equity of the overall company. All can go Fuck Themselves. I gave them % of Product Lines – WAY more than enough to double their money over 2 years, or quadruple + past 24 months. Shit I would have jumped at such an offer back when I had the personal capital. Greedy A**Holes. Plus they really don’t understand the mission. Seriously, where the fuck can you get such projections as investing $3000 to get back $6000+ in 24 months? Plus keep a residual % in perpetuity for the lifetime of re-orders? and be given choice of 4 lines along with the stats? Some effers have been watching Shark Tank too much. My personal life training in Modern Arnis from Professor Remy Presas (the Father of Modern Arnis – aka Knife Fighting) comes to mind. I cannot tell you the number of times I visualized *gutting* a “potential investor”. I may be *older* in my life now, but I can still surprise with decades of skill. I would never, but oh the thought is still there (a pleasing thought btw).
The Sex Furniture Line is about to launch (Photo shoot planned for the 30th). <OMFG The St. Andrew’s Cross is EXQUISITE and my experience in “Testing it” is totally worthy of a future post>. The affiliate program for local lingerie Designers and BDSM wear is about to launch (30 days perhaps?). The new leathers line is to launch soon (30-40 days?). New custom woods to launch (20-40 days?). And two new custom toys (40-60 days?). Good lord its been busy as f*ck. Working with my Texas friends to potentially take over the site and the media and marketing (we talk again tomorrow). <Oh, and a TV show about startups where we are in the top finalists >. Busy much? just maybe. Just F*cking Maybe. Oh, and the possibility of 3 more sites and different lines too.
It was just yesterday when a new member of the team (A prince of a guy with the pure innocence of the “evils of people” that he is blind to along with smarts to solely focus on how to do “the right thing” for customers – a talent I highly prize) told me “Damn, you experience more in a day than I do in 3 months”. That resonated with me so intensely.
I am trying to bring on board new partners to run each new division. That is hard as hell. But we are progressing.
In the interim, personally, I am doing what is needed, fulfilled in what I can accomplish, but lacking in what I personally desire. Thoughts?