It’s been a rough day so far, I will confess. Logistically there are a million things to do, and I am plodding along. Little joy looking forward to the Big Game – especially given an anniversary of why I missed the game last year – being an attempted suicide by a sibling that I barely caught 15 minutes before kick off.
I know I process at a fast and high rate, but again (previous post) the changes in now having emotions just means the seas are quite choppy and smooth sailing looks to be far off. I am trying to be appreciative of feeling and absorb what each nuance feels like and trying to learn myself anew.
There are other speedbumps, challenges, daily things to get done on top of it all, but each feels so inconsequential atm. A bit of this includes “People Politics” and drama from others in my range of circles. I am afraid that either they will have to accept my ambivalence today or they can just go choke on a dick.
I recently got what I wanted (well subconsciously anyways) and unattached from some people in my life. Their presence in my life represented something that I hadn’t been open to, and that is why I couldn’t accept it. That something, was being cared for/about/loved in a familial way. Turns out that was actually what I need all along (not like I ever truly knew what that was before this anyways). A good lesson to be certain. My pain on this isn’t the loss, so much of the guilt and shame of it (we’ll plus maybe a small dosage of self-loathing) lol. There is no trying to undo things. I know that. I know that as much as I know that I won’t be surprised with anyone showing up on my doorstep to claim the family again. One day tho – that is the type of family I want. The kind that could love unconditionally – even if how that is expressed would likely take different forms.
I am proud I can still learn and grow. I am self-loving myself now for my weaknesses (versus my strengths) as this is how I can continually improve as a human. Maybe this will lead to a modicum of humility added to me (well, let’s not anticipate that too much shall we?)
Wicked Daddy has a ton of work over the next 60 days. He is thankful for that as well as for his close friends. Connections – TRUE connections – regardless of their duration are the real treasures of this life.
Back to schedule – still a ton to do. I feel therefore I exist.
Love – WD
Oh – go buy your tickets for the Feb 21st show already! $5 off when you get them online https://wickeddaddyevents.ticketleap.com/seattle-kink-and-fetish-fashion-show–fetiche-theboxhouse/