Before progressing – hit play on this from my good friend “Guitar Princess”. Consider it “Mood Music”
As previously posted in the last few day’s I have had significant changes in my life – most impactful was a elimination of a medication that repressed emotions (and something I had been taking for well over a decade). Now I have feelings for what feels like the first time ever. Today is reflection upon that.
The last few days have been met with *SNOWPOCALYPSE* and, given my new residence (off the beaten path and on some land) I have been snowed in. Even my trusty truck failed to get me out – which was something I had planned on doing – with filling my schedule with venues, meetings, and meetups with folks. Nope nope nope. Universe had different plans. In fact (and if you follow our FB), one could say I caused it. I posted that I was outside and I asked the Universe for a “Sign” and then, within seconds, it started snowing. It yielded more insights when it reached the level that it has to snow me in. Strange thought – I think over a week ago I would have had more of the thinking of ME *actually* being causation of the response of the universe. Today I am living with a bit more humility (as well as recognition of spurious correlations). The real rub, in being snowed in – is having to directly confront my newfound emotions. Let the fun begin….
I have found one of the recurring activities I keeping going back to during this time has been researching emotions from both technical as well as that of shared perspectives from others. I have spent quite a bit of time on the stages of Grieving. Turns out I have had a lot of grieving needing to be done (from a recent loss of a relationship that ended way too soon <my fault> to even just acknowledging all that I have been through over the last recent year(s) that I have been able to avoid having real feelings for due to the medication).
Over the last few days I have caught myself weeping uncontrollably, yelling so loud in anger that I have lost my voice, giggling maniacally, shadow boxing so hard I collapse in exhaustion, or being paralyzed of any action altogether. With the exception of that last one, the others seem to only *intensely* last for 5, 10, 15, or maybe even 20 minutes. Then deep breathing, acceptance, and much better. What I am wrestling with most is the unexpected. Having the TV on in the background and seeing that commercial where the vet comes home and surprises their kids or loved one – DAMN – instant waterworks. Hard to avoid the random triggers it seems. I started today early (we’ll 4am) quite optimistic and was quite productive. Well, WAS until another trigger surprise. A email from a friend who was helping me set up something special for some people who are no longer in my life. BAM – here comes the rain again….. That one carried over quite a few hours and left me really really having to unpack such petty feelings that really I now have shame (for the thoughts/and feelings I was experiencing) on top of the root emotions themselves.
Of now having deep emotions (or maybe just such intense outbursts given how repressed those emotions have been), I have been worried about whether or not I will still be “Me”. This includes whether or not these new emotions make me as “Wicked Daddy” to be “Wicked Daddy” still or not. I have a good sign given to me from a few hours conversation with a new friend last night that can at least attest that Wicked Daddy is still that person even with having emotions. He does not have to be emotionless to be effective and nurturing. Of the core ID and EGO (of me beyond WD) – dunno yet – but again I see this as an encouraging sign.
I love to learn, and my recent experiences have opened up a door within an area I thought I already knew – with the opening showing me that I barely know that area at all. It is terrifying as much as it is exciting. And I get the opportunity to test myself in “Letting Go” and jumping down the Rabbit Hole. I have a feeling I will have more to share very soon.
Love to you all….